Fake Family Office Acquires Milli Vanilli Catalog, Cites "Strong Lip-Sync Cash Flows"

Deal marks first time a family office has invested in an asset with less credibility than the office itself.

MONACO / MIAMI / THE METAVERSE — In what experts are calling either a bold contrarian bet or a cry for help, newly minted family office Notional Returns Group has announced its acquisition of the full publishing rights to the Milli Vanilli music catalog for an undisclosed sum and an even more undisclosed business model.

The family office—whose HQ is listed as "technically offshore, emotionally Mediterranean"—says the acquisition is a hedge against global instability.

“Look, in a world where Trump’s slapping tariffs on everything that breathes and semiconductors are geopolitical hostages,” said Tristan Van Gent, managing partner of Notional Returns Group, “we needed something tariff-proof. You can’t tax an imaginary falsetto, my friend. Not yet.”