🧻 FED x BED BATH & BEYOND: “Buy One Crisis, Get One Free!"
After exhausting rate hikes, Powell turns to the only thing that’s ever worked on the American psyche: a 5.5 x 8.5 inch miracle of consumer psychology
WASHINGTON, D.C. — May 7, 2025
After weeks of seeing 5.5x8.5-inch postcards pile up in his Georgetown mailbox, offering 20% off, buy-one-get-one-free, and mysterious “Beyond+” deals, Chairman Jerome Powell had a revelation:
If the American people won’t listen to monetary policy, maybe they’ll respond to a coupon.
If Bed Bath & Beyond can move 80,000 towel sets in a weekend with a single promo, why can’t the Fed bundle its own issues?
“Two Crises? Why Not Both!”
"When I looked at those coupons, stacked, chaotic, half-expired, I thought, ‘Damn, that’s basically the U.S. economy right now.’"
—Jerome Powell, probably
💥THE DEAL:
🧾 Inflation? Skyrocketing!
📉 Recession? Incoming!
🎁 BOGO: You didn’t ask for it, but you’re definitely getting both.
Powell’s logic is airtight:
Everyone loves a bundle.
It’s “cleaning out the macroeconomic pantry” season.
Bruh: BBB nostalgia runs deeper than GDP growth.
🗣️ Insider Reactions to the Fed x BBB Collab
Shelly G., Former VP of Coupon Strategy (2002–2022):
"Look, we built an empire on oversized coupons and light guilt. If Jerry wants to print his way out of a crisis, he’s using the right font size. That 5.5 x 8.5 card? It’s not just a piece of cardstock. It’s a promise. A promise that you’ll spend $480 while buying one dang towel."
Tony R., Ex-Merchandising Director for Bath Linens:
"I once moved $3 million in slow-selling terry cloth inventory using just 30,000 postcards and one sad rubber duck photo. If Powell can’t calm markets with the same playbook, either he’s not trying hard enough or he just doesn’t understand merchandising."
Darla T., Head of Direct Mail Innovation (retired):
"The Fed’s balance sheet is our clearance bin. Frankly, I feel seen. He’s my spirit animal."
“Big Mike” Valenti, Regional Manager (Midwest District, 2004–2020):
"This makes perfect sense. At BBB, we taught people to fear paying full price. Powell's now teaching America to fear economic stability. It’s basically the same skillset. I left him a cupcake in the break room."
Linda M., Former Director of ‘Beyond’ (the aisle we never defined):
"Nobody ever figured out what ‘Beyond’ actually meant. That’s what made it work. Inflation, recession, Powell’s just leaning into the ambiguity. That’s some retail magic.”
⚠️ Disclaimer
This is satire. Nothing above is real.
Jerome Powell did not partner with the ghost of Bed Bath & Beyond. There is no official Fed x BBB coupon book. Powell does not wear a branded polo, yet.
There is no endorsement, explicit or implied. All insider quotes are fictional, unless accidentally accurate due to late-stage capitalism.
The parody is fake, but yeah, sorry, the double crisis is not.
But if Powell did launch a co-branded BOGO program for economic collapse?
We’d clip the coupon, refinance our despair, and bulk-buy rate cuts in 12-packs.
No central bankers were harmed, though one may have taken store credit.
💥 Inflation. Recession. Two Crises, No Plan?
You’re not imagining it.
The Fed can’t solve this with a bath mat and vibes.
You still have to raise your fund.
🎯 Struggling to Close LPs?
Skip the scented candles. You need Premium.
For fund managers raising up to $60M
Starts June 5. There’s 7 seats left
🚀 Get LP-ready by July 4 with Capital OS Premium
You get:
✅ 2 hrs/week of tactical coaching
✅ 12-month LP strategy, tools & systems
✅ Full LP Directory access - no coupons required
🔗 [Apply Now]
🧪 Not Raising Yet? Start With Platform
For early managers still crafting a story stronger than Jerome Powell’s talking points.
No pressure. Just momentum.
You get:
✅ Our LP Directory
✅ Access to vetted LPs + GPs
✅ Credibility before capital – Capital OS Platform
🔗 [Join Platform]
🧠 Scaling a Fund on Duct Tape and Discount Codes?
Yeah no. You need Enterprise.
For GPs raising $60M–$4B who want real infra.
Not slide decks. Not consultants. Not scented pillows.
Just capital formation that works.
📦 Modular. CRM-integrated. Institutional-grade.
Starts at $250K/year. Inquiry only.
📩 [Email us, send your deck & tech stack]