Tim Draper Abandons California Breakup After Don Henley Convinces Him It’s Easier to Dismantle The Eagles and Sell Them for Parts

“Two of 'em are already dead, Tim. This is just cleanup,” Henley says while signing away Glenn Frey’s falsetto

PALO ALTO, CA — Venture capitalist and moon-based flag enthusiast Tim Draper has officially ditched his long-running plan to break California into six micro-states after Don Henley—co-founder of the Eagles and notorious megalomaniac with a metronome—convinced him that there was more money, and less regulatory oversight, in finally breaking up the Eagles instead.

“California has 40 million people. The Eagles have, like, four guys and two of them are already dead,” Henley told Draper over a $700 bottle of pinot and a legal pad labeled ‘Asset Fire Sale: Soft Rock Edition.’
“It’s time, Tim. Let’s liquefy.”

Henley’s Vision: The Eagles, but as a Streaming-Only Asset Bundle

In a bold pitch described by insiders as “equal parts Shark Tank and Laurel Canyon funeral,” Henley laid out a plan to deconstruct the band like a distressed WeWork franchise—auctioning off song rights, bootleg VHS tapes, and allegedly even Glenn Frey’s signature sunglasses as “emotional NFTs.”

He argued that selling the Eagle…