Judges Can’t Judge, So Judge Will Judge
When the bench broke down, the only ones left standing were straight-edge. Meet the new moral authority of the U.S. court system: a panel of hardcore lifers from New York’s most righteously pissed-off
Today, in a move no one predicted (except maybe Walter Schreifels), the U.S. federal judiciary announced it is formally stepping back from overseeing misconduct cases involving its own judges.
The reason? A searing NPR exposé detailing how law clerks face retaliation and silence when they speak up about abuse.
The solution? Not ethics reform. Not independent oversight. No, they’re going full NYHC.
The new national disciplinary panel will be composed entirely of the members of Judge, the legendary late-’80s straight-edge hardcore band forged in the fire of the Lower East Side and baptized in sweat at CBGB’s Sunday matinees.
Apparently, if you can handle the pit at ABC No Rio, you can handle a constitutional crisis.
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The Judiciary Needed a Judge. So They Called Judge.
The idea came after multiple failed attempts to install internal accountability measures.
“It just wasn’t working,” said one anonymous court official.
One fictional court insider summed it up: ‘It was like watching a trust-fund version of Godfather II—clerks dating judges, judges promoting their college roommates, everyone recusing no one.’”
So now, starting Monday, judicial discipline will be handed down by:
Mike Ferraro, vocalist and former youth crew frontman turned full-time accountability czar
John Porcelly (aka Porcell), Gorilla Biscuits and Youth of Today axe-wielder turned ethics enforcer
Sammy Siegler, drummer for Youth of Today, CIV, and Judge, who will now bang the gavel and the kit in alternating 2-minute bursts
And guest counsel from the broader Revelation Records alumni network—including Ray Cappo (as spiritual advisor) and Craig Setari from Sick of It All (as bailiff, obv)
Justice, Brought Down
Court sessions are already getting an overhaul:
Opening statements are limited to 73 seconds—because any song longer than that totally sucks
Deliberation happens in the back of a tour van parked outside 285 Kent
If you can’t name the B-side to the “New York Crew” 7-inch, your dissent is automatically overruled
A leaked copy of the new judicial handbook reveals new case law, such as:
Revelation v. Roadrunner: No, you may not sell out to a major and still keep your cred.
Hard Stance v. Soft Power: Strong precedents for shouting over institutional silence.
Youth of Today v. Aging Boomers: Still pending, but YOT’s got the edge in moral clarity.
Reaction from the Scene
Civ said in a statement, “This is what happens when the system fails and the straight-edge kids don’t.”
Meanwhile, Jimmy G of Murphy’s Law allegedly lobbied for a seat on the panel, but was last seen converting the break room into a dive bar and charging a $5 cover.
Can a Band Save the Courts?
Maybe not. But in a system where corruption and cowardice hide behind robes and Latin phrases, at least now there’s a code of ethics that says:
Don’t talk shit. Don’t cross the line. And for the love of all that is sacred—bring it down.
Because when it’s all falling apart, sometimes the only thing that makes sense… is hardcore.
Final Word?
Court is now in session. And the pit is mandatory.
Disclaimer:
This article is a work of satire.
Any resemblance to real quotes, policies, or judicial proceedings is purely for comedic effect and not intended as factual reporting. All named individuals are included in a spirit of parody, and no statements should be interpreted as actual quotes or endorsements.
We love NYHC. We love Judge. And we’re just trying to make fun of a system that’s doing a fine job of parodying itself.